Saturday, January 14, 2012


Ok, a few years ago zombies were all the rage. Y'know, the dead brought back to life to feast on human flesh. Sure it works in the movies. But what about in life? (real life is a bit redundant) Let's take a look.

Zombie qualifications: Generally you already have to be dead to be re-animated and feast on the living. But how long can you be dead to physically be up for the challenge? Recent dead people who haven't been planted or cremated yet are your best candidates. Unburied people who have been dead for quite a while may not be physically up for the challenge (look if a corpse is nothing but bones, maybe some dried skin there will be issues, discussed here soon) Also what runs the zombie is the brain. If it's withered to nothing, it probably won't be able to function very well. Also what about the dead that are already buried? Will they re-animate but still be stuck underground? If in a state of decomposition they are not that physically strong. They will have to pop open the casket, then the lid of the sarcophogus, (yeah that's spelled wrong) then dig through the dirt on top. So it will be a bit creepy hearing in a cemetery all these buried corpses moaning and thumping underground.

What happens when they eat? OK, I have wondered about this. Do they have a working digestive system? I figure, not they don't. They are dead. So do they just expand until they pop open from constantly eating? Or does it slide through their system undigested, and since the flesh is undigested, do they go back for it? What if their digestive system does work. Are they potty trained or do they just shit themselves while they wander around looking for more living people to eat.

Physically functioning in the real world. I am taking it that they are cold blooded creatures since, well they are dead. So this does limit their habitat range. A group of them wanting to cross, say, Death Valley National Park to get to some living people in, Riverside Ca. It's a mighty big and dry desert out there, even in winter, not much rain. I would think that they would wither away while trying to cross the desert. Also what about arctic regions? Here they would freeze solid while looking for some fresh Eskimo meat. Therefore easy to stop and kill. And finally with large bodies of water. Would they float on the ocean to find some nice juicy Hawaiian natives? Or would their bodies sink in the ocean. Sure they may not drown but the pressures under the ocean could easily crush them to nothing.

Finally, are humans the only ones that become zombies? Why not otters, moose, cats and opossums? Or other critters. Doesn't make any sense to me. Would they go after humans or just their own kind only?

The whole zombie scenario just has too many questions for me, and honestly wouldn't last very long. They don't move to fast, probably smell bad, are quite distinguishable from the living, and just aren't too smart. People, please don't worry about zombie apocalypse. I think we could handle it pretty well.

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